| phew |
[13 Nov 2006|07:46pm] |
|
There's not enough time in a day! Not enough capability in a human, not enough clarity in a single look. Darn original sin, darn pride, how you've wounded me, how you've wounded us! I no longer wish to be a robot. I want to be a human, with a natural heart. I want to be Mary's little one and a lover of Christ, on fire with Him. This cold world needs sparks! But still, I am so wounded. The further I "launch out into the deep," the further I drown in my own weakness. My heart is so restless. My sin is so crippling. He is my only hope, my only chance. "Lord, increase our faith!" Well, mulberry bush, get your butt out of the ground and transplant yourself in the sea. Lord, give me courage. The world is a cold place, but if I only had the courage of faith to conquer myself, I could conquer the world... rather, You could conquer it in me. Win me back! I am deteriorating by this infernal wound. Please, whoever reads this, say a quick prayer for me, for faith... I'm being sorely tested, and I can't make it myself. Pray to Mary that she doesn't let me go cold!
|
|
| brown Roses |
[17 Oct 2006|11:32am] |
grow a Rose while you're going
grow a Rose and smile
grow a Rose while you're knowing
grow a Rose and rest awhile
crispy toast crunch underneath
browned golden brown but bare arms blazon
waving broom, the tired wind sweeps
the subtle turn of endless phases
tomorrow holds an empty promise
yesterday yearns for years gone by
sloping slide of wishes around us
while cold closes careful eyes
Roses make this garden sweet
flower prepares for beautiful Bread
oh, my hungry heart to eat
my moaning crevice finally fed!
and filled with crevices are the promises
empty entered, completion changed
sight beyond the landscape says
follow small, abandon fame
grow a Rose while you're going
the going's gentle, gradual too
grow a Rose while you're knowing
the path is sure, the Guide is true
|
|
| thirst |
[13 Oct 2006|01:41pm] |
JMJ
with the woman at the well, He asked her for a drink
but He wasn't talking about water
the poor woman at the well, did she really think
that six different men would complete her?
He said, if only you knew, dear daughter, who asked you
you'd ask for a drink from me
please, give me a drink of yourself, for I love you
ask for a drink, taste and see
with His hands nailed wide apart, He told them "I thirst"
but He wasn't talking about water
with a plunge from a spear, His Sacred Heart burst
and He poured out His drink for His daughter
|
|
| the world and men and women |
[06 Oct 2006|12:08pm] |
I was just reading crisis magazine. It was an article about the crisis of marriage the world is experiencing; marriage is meaning less and less. It's being downgraded by homosexual agendas and anti-family attacks. It's purpose and meaning is being lost in a whirlwind of metaphisically deprived and horny people who have caught the ears of other people. And one of Theology of the Body's great cries is that marriage --- this sacramental relationship lived complimentarily between man and woman and consummated in the one-flesh union, this exclusive relationship and love shared between a man and a woman that images Christ's love for the Church and images The Holy Trinity Himself, this sacrament that makes all the other sacraments make sense, this notion that both kicked off and ended the Bible, first between Adam and Eve and lastly between Christ and the Church --- is essential for understanding God's plan for humanity, and therefore the whole of the human vocation, origin, purpose, destiny --- all of it. Humanity loses marriage, humanity loses itself. A true philosophy of being human would never reject marriage, because there are few things more central to the human heart.
But it's being attacked like crazy. In the eyes of the world, it is no longer sacred, it is no longer necessary, almost no longer desirable. And what does this mean for my generation? Marriage is like a delicate egg in our hands; if we don't realize its value and try to incubate this, we'll drop it, and the human race will fall with it. That is how crucial these times are. We're standing on the edge of a knife. The forces of evil have found fertile ground in this age, and if the forces of good don't do anything, the world is going to hell.
And as my generation needs to re-gain the meaning of marriage, we need to gain --- for we haven't ever really understood it fully, have we? --- the meaning of masculinity and femininity. If men keep looking at women as objects of pleasure, marriage will never mean anything. And if women keep playing these fallen desires of men, marriage will never mean anything. If we keep listening to what the world tells us to be, we will die with the world.
Everything hangs in the balance. If us men cannot get up off our butts, if we cannot look at women the right way, if we keep running from our duties to entertain our pleasures instead, then we might as well not hope for a better future. Look at the women of the world, look at what we've let happen to them! They're being exploited, pressured to kill their own babies, forced to sell their dignity so we can keep lusting, and so unaffirmed in their vocation that they think they need to be like men! We're like Adam, preferring the pleasures of the garden while he lets Satan lie to his wife.
But we are not so fallen that we cannot get back up. This is the good news: we have Christ. We have the power of the Holy Spirit. And don't let that bounce off your head, because you've heard the words before. The power of the Holy Spirit means that several scared men hiding in a room becomes Saints and Martyrs, converting hardened sinners, enduring horrible tortures and sufferings for a truth that makes them whole. The power of Christ means that all of us who are weak, who are suffering daily, can unite ourselves to that act of oblation that broke the power of sin over the whole world. It means we can go to Mass and recieve the merits of this Sacrifice that is enough to cleanse the entire world of sin. It means that little women from some country you never heard of before can spend her life helping suffering people that everyone forgets about and change the whole world. It means that some little priest in France can convert 72,000 people with a spirit of peace and joy. It is limitless.
I suppose I should tie up with some kind of climatic ending, but its 12:30 and I need to go change the world. Gotta say my Consecration to Mary preparation prayers and then pray the Rosary.
|
|
|
[29 Sep 2006|02:18pm] |
in becoming what I could be
would I lose what I should be?
|
|
| making more connections |
[18 Sep 2006|12:23pm] |
If God is love and He created us for love, a lot of things make sense. Especially the existence of evil and the reality of Original Sin. So this is pretty much me saying why evil is a product of free will and why original sin explains the existence of evil in the world.
If God is purely good, then He wouldn't have created anything evil, because He is not evil, and all things come from Him. Therefore, things are essentially good. Then why is there evil in the world? Because God created us for love. And what love is, is God. So to love would mean to share God's life that He has given us with others, and ultimately with God Himself. Christ expressed this perfectly in His sacrifice on the Cross; He poured out His divine life for our sake.
But love needs to be a free choice. If it was not a free choice for someone to share their life with someone else, it would not be love, it would be a natural action. Like a tree growing or a rock just sitting there. Love is something dynamic and amazing, not something that just happens without any choice.
So with love being a choice, evil makes sense. If God is good, then what is evil would be a negation of God, or an absence of God. Therefore, if the choice is not made to love, then what would result would be evil. Because God is love. You refuse love, you refuse God; you refuse God, you accept evil in His place.
Then what happened? God tells us that He created us for love. Therefore He created us with a choice. However, when He created us, we made the wrong choice, and evil entered the world. He tells us that the woman who sinned became "mother of all the living." Since her nature became fallen, it would be natural that all her children would exist with a fallen nature.
So evil is not something else, but represents a lack. We are lacking, incomplete, because we had the chance to love and chose the other way. And because God is love, because He can't deny Himself, He let it happen. If He had taken the choice away, He would have taken love away from His creation, which He couldn't have done, because He is love. He sustains all of creation. Had He willfully removed Himself from it, it would have ceased to exist. However, it wasn't His will that rejected Him; it was ours. And so what resulted was evil.
Dang.
Don't that make the Incarnation beautiful? We couldn't save ourselves! And because of that separation, and because He respected our choice, He couldn't, in a sense, save us. Of course He could have, but that wouldn't have made sense. So what did He do? He joined His nature with human nature... He became man. And as man He made the right choice with all the power of His divinity. And with grace, He gave us another choice, another chance. And as long as we're alive here, we'll keep having another chance.
|
|
| Hmm |
[18 Sep 2006|12:01pm] |
I'm not sure if my last entry made sense, saying God can't be understood when He isn't in relation to anything when He is fundamentally a relationship and union between three divine persons. But anyways. I have no idear what I'm talking about anymore. He may not be a relationship in Himself, although a relationship does exist within Himself. Pretty much, the relationship doesn't really define Him. OR does it? Oy vey. My mind is too little for this.
Although, that would be a human definition, saying that He was essentially a relationship. And He is beyond human conception. Sheesh, this is too stupid; first I start talking about why we can't understand or explain the mystery of God, then I tried to explain Him, and then it collapsed in on me! I think I should go eat lunch.
|
|
| the mystery of God |
[18 Sep 2006|11:37am] |
I realized something, in relation to understanding things. Obviously, we cannot understand God; that is why He is a mystery. He is something infinite, omnipotent, all-powerful, and holds full sway over all of creation. Things in creation we can understand, and we understand them by looking at things in relation to each other.
For example, I think in metaphors. If I was trying to explain something to you, like the change of summer to fall and the emotion it brings, or the way the interior organelles of a cell work together, or a theological concept, I'd use metaphors, illustrating a relationship between what I'm trying to explain and something you already understand. That way, you'd say, "Oh, I get it! It's like this!"
Another example of this would be masculinity, femininity, and their true meaning. We cannot understand masculinity and femininity apart from each other. Masculinity is not masculinity without femininity, and vice versa. They are dependent on each other because they make a whole.
I guess its true on biological levels, too. Life can only come from other life. Something can only be alive if it came from something already alive. One thing presupposes another. And in relationship, death confirms life. We wouldn't know what life was if we didn't know what death was, and vice versa. The same for good and evil; we experience both, but if we didn't, either would become meaningless.
So that's how we understand. There's some sort of thing in our minds, some sort of fundamental understanding that we weigh everything against in an effort to understand. That's probably what is referred to when they speak about intellect, which separates us from the animals and all that. Well, thats part of the separation, but that's not my point.
My point is, one of the reasons why we cannot understand God fully is because there is nothing else to really weigh Him against in our minds. We say things are good, but only God is good; we only understand it in contrast to evil, we don't understand it fundamentally because good find its origin in God. In other words, what we even think we understand, we really don't. We say God is loving; we only know what love is like because we have experienced the opposite of love, being used. But loving itself isn't just an opposite, its something that finds its origin in God.
We say God is all-powerful, omnipotent, infinite. These are things we naturally cannot understand, and can only concieve an idea of them by negating our experience of powerlessness and finity. There is no human relationship or means of understanding that could ever crack the mystery of God!
Of course, it makes sense in the light of Revelation that humans can only understand in relationship and that our tiny, partial, hardly-any understanding of God would only be in His relationship to us and to what we know and experience, because God is a relationship, in a sense. He is a unity of three divine persons, where the three --- who are the very source of all life, goodness, beauty, truth, etc., and do not only exist in relationship to the opposite of those things... I don't know if I'm just overreaching, but it kinda makes sense to me. I don't know what the word would be for something like that --- live in a total outpouring and sharing of their life with each other. God the Son is only God the Son in relationship to God the Father and God the Holy Spirit, and the same for each other person, and they make a single God. It's insane and beautiful! But yeah. I'm stepping way out farther than I'm capable of stepping out.
But my basic thought is that, when we only understand concepts in relationship to each other, God simply IS. Its that that He is as compared to is not, He simply IS. How amazing is that?
And how amazing is it that He took on a human nature so we could hear, see, touch Him? So that He who was inconceivable became something conceivable for our sake? And when we weren't even worthy! Holy cowpies!
|
|
| fog and dampness |
[13 Sep 2006|10:58am] |
covered like a blanket, but its already hot out
oxygen was low enough as it is
you can thrust forth your hand and catch a handful of freshness
but you can't pull it back inside, silly, its not within your power
and powerlessness begets strength by some backwards priciple
contradicting human thought, that freshness past the blanket
daily grind and tired eyes when joined with the original
begets the invisible reality of dankness
that although we're blind, we cry, "Lord, let us see!"
that though we're lame, we walk in light
that though our minds are dark, we believe
that though we're nothing, we're bathed in might
a mystery thicker than this fog
a fire more affecting than this dankness
a truth that exists beyond perception
a biting scourge thats like a kiss
ah, what is this, that I cannot sense
but know with more conviction than I know myself
where my poems hardly rhyme and lack cadence
but convey the secret to averting hell
|
|
|
[12 Sep 2006|12:15pm] |
Someone once asked St. Thomas Aquinas how to become a saint. He replied, "Will it."
St. Louis de Montfort attests that those who achieve special and extraordinary sanctification cannot do so without Mary; the example of JPII, St. John Vianney, and Bl. Mother Teresa could serve as a special confirmation.
St. Francis de Sales says to have patience with yourself, and would be quick to affirm that the cross of our imperfect self will be the heaviest we have to bear.
St. Theresa de Lisieux took upon herself no extraordinary penances, but made her penance perfect obedience, and she excelled in extraordinary holiness.
St. Alphonsus di Ligouri and St. Augustine affirmed the necessity of prayer in their own way. St. Augustine said, "God has willed it that our struggle be with prayer, and not human strength." And St. Alphonsus said quite simply, "all the damned would not have been lost, had they prayed."
Blessed Mother Teresa and St. Theresa both not only said, but lived with their entire being the simplest and most gracious purpose of life: love. And it was their means of sanctification, sharing in the love of Christ, loving Him in the Eucharist and those around them.
A resolved will, patience, obedience, prayer, love, and Mary... what surer way to holiness?
Mother, I beg of you, pray for us, lead us to your Son...
|
|
|
[31 Aug 2006|08:19am] |
|
HOLY. COWPIES. Lord of the Dance must be the LAMEST Church song ever. There's so many songs that I wonder about. How the heck did these things get approved for liturgical use?! Ah, well, the day will come when we finally get some real music that's conducive to worship... and that doesn't constantly overlook the solemn sacrific nature of the Mass. grrr.
|
|
|
[30 Aug 2006|02:15pm] |
|
But the Pharaoh did not heed Moses’ message. So he gave him a massage instead, and then the Pharaoh was like, “Aw man, that was just what I needed. I was just a little tense. You guys can head out now; here’s some gas money and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Take it easy.”
|
|
|
[26 Aug 2006|02:01pm] |
this is me having too much fun with my book:
"Growing up in the Egyptian court, Moses learns secret ninja moves from the government, and sand-burying techniques. There’s this one time he sees an Egyptian abusing an Israelite, so he uses his secret ninja moves to kill him, and using his techniques, 'hid him in the sand.' (Ex. 2:12)" (this part I didn't really keep)
you learn a lot from my book.
"The clever plan of the Israelite woman began to come together. The Pharaoh’s daughter herself came down to the river to wash. Finding the basket, she opened it to find a crying baby boy inside! The Pharaoh’s daughter had compassion on him. Thank goodness he was cute."
there's battles and rescuing and stuff:
"Abram catches word of Lot’s capture and musters a small army of a few hundred men. He catches the conquering army, comes upon them at night, saves Lot‘s sorry patoot, and re-gains all the spoils of Sodom."
you can find out about the birthing process:
"Isaac, Abraham’s son, the beginning of God’s promises to be fulfilled, has twins, Jacob and Esau. Esau popped out first, and so had the birthright, but he sold it to Jacob for a bowl of pottage."
|
|
| aw man |
[21 Aug 2006|09:10am] |
JMJ
aw man, it was sweet. First, I had a big fat pimple on my head... not one o' those wimpy ones that are whiteheads just anyways, but one o' those big fat ones that just look like a pink blob, with no whitehead. thats right, the dangerous kind. right on my forehead. and I popped it good! my forhead looked a little crinkled up (like aluminum foil) and it looked really gross, but *whattah* flick of the head, and a superman-style bedhead curl covers it, and the other pimple I'ma be working on soon, beautifully. yusssssssssss.
|
|
| who knows |
[18 Aug 2006|01:35pm] |
the leaves of betrayal are starting to plummet
and the wind sings its songs to which the grass dances
and the mornings and evenings rest in the shade
cooling off and closing their eyes
and the wind sings its way through hearty stone walls
stirring the feather on the stationary helmet
kissing the cheeks of the knight as he writes
and he absently grips for his sword
the bundled courier rushes in with his limbs set askew
and the knight stands straight up, with a clink in his pocket
the messenger cries, "you've been summoned!
its time to be a knight again!"
the knight hesitates, though, and his face tilts to the floor
while absently his hand reaches for his sword that isn't there
but when his head tilts back up, his eyes are set and shining
and he cries, "my armor, my banner, my horse!"
the stone walls explode with life and movement
loud cries of "awake!" and huffing and puffing
running up stairs with the wind on the ramparts
a party forms itself for departure again
over grassy hill and through shrouded forest
three days of travel, three days of buildup
clouds smile from above to see the men trekking
and the leaves of betrayal whirl about
all the while the knight with his clinking beads
has his head bowed; his horse knows the way
and the black beads slip through his fingers
as the real preparation begins
they arrive amidst cheers and jumping and clapping
the knight has arrived, favored from away
and he's waving, look, with the sun on his armor
before the competition starts, he has taken the day
and as he waves his eyes scan the crowds
the seats up high where royalty sits
but the array of faces fail to satisfy his search
he stops waving to finger his beads once again
with a blow from the horn, the riders set off
collision course set, adrenaline racing
with a smash and a spray of splinters they crash
with the glint of their swords they prove their strength
and now the knight's up, just look at his banner!
blue and white brilliant, illumined by the afternoon sun
and he sets down his visor, blue feather dancing
and he twirls his lance twice to delight everyone
but the one across does not shine at all
he's dark and he's grim and he sits there alone
one his shield, awful pictures, and blood stains his lance
and officials are shrugging and shaking their heads
"who is he?" someone says, "I don't know" says another
"does our knight know?" "must be somebody's brother..."
"look at his armor!" "it's black, yes, I know"
"and look at his size..." "this will be quite a show!"
and the knight sets himself hard, for he knows who it is
the one who has lied and who threatened his heart
he grips his lance tighter and leans toward the crash
as they speed toward each other across trodden field
to the crowd's great distress, the knight comes crashing down
with a cry and a leap, he flashes his sword
and the dark knight dismounts and locks blades
and whispers him something that leaves him astounded
on his horse, the dark one's off, speeding away
but the knight with blue banner pursues
they race through hill and swamp, across cliffside
leaving the eyes of the public behind
the dark one halts at the top of the mountainous hill
and hops onto the rock that is chafed by the wind
and the knight draws his sword and they clash
"I know of your whispers, I've heard them before."
says the knight to the dark one as they battle for balance
"Because of your words, you've left me unsure."
and the knight finds the fight becoming a challenge
"But the truth is much simpler than what you'd have me believe!"
the knight lacerates the hand of the dark one
"And I'll wait for my time to finally see."
and the enemy jumps away and he starts to run
|
|
|
[11 Aug 2006|07:58am] |
JMJ
ah, what is this, the awesome mystery of women? With the model of redeemed femininity existing in my most gracious benefactor and intercessor, our Blessed Mother, I'm afraid my male heart will never fully understand this beauty it stands in awe of. The vocation and dignity of men is equally great, to be sure, but it does not reflect to such great an extent the beauty of God.
|
|
|
[11 Aug 2006|07:52am] |
|
Mother, and Hwio, help me to remember, apart from all the complications and the science behind it, that it is a simple matter... men should be like Christ and women should be like Mary. Don't let me stray from the first layer, because if the bare-bones, grace-filled foundations of this structure collapse with my thought, I will collapse with it. And as with all understanding, help me to remember this core message of grace and faith, and to realize how trivial the rest can be. Don't let me put stock in knowledge, but in my consecration to Christ through you, Mother. Ah, the answer is so simple, and sitting at the tip of my nose, but I'm trying to look so far ahead, I miss it!
|
|
| ah... |
[08 Aug 2006|06:44pm] |
ah, so much to do. there are several levels to this.
initially, I'm delving into what it means to be truly masculine... and grace abounds. I know my search will be rewarded. But in my compulsiveness, perhaps overzeal, or perhaps perfectly appropriate drives that need to be channeled into the correct present contexts --- I'm not sure yet --- I want to work for something now. I'm hoping its a passing phase, because I do not see it bearing fruit in myself. But I can't communicate the presence of God I'm experiencing. It is too much for words! But I suppose patience is in order, as it always is. (St. Francis de Sales, pray for us!) ;) So that is the first level, my desire to channel this zeal into some fruitful practice.
the second level is a sort of realization-based tier. I think my present zeal isn't bearing fruit because this level needs time and prayer to become more fully revealed to me. the question here is, where do I apply myself, and in what manner? where can I start, as one trying to be fully masculine, to fight the spiritual battle for life, for truth, for the family, for the dignity of women, for the Church, etc, large-scale? so this second level is an internal formation, by grace, through mother, from Christ. in the context of time, it will unfold. which leads to the third level.
the third level is actual practice. the first is what I want to do, the second is how and when I will do it, and the third is what I'm doing now. I think I need to keep waiting, keep waiting for the second level to develop, and keep waiting for a more full revelation of God's will for me, to me. so the answer is, as it always is for myself and for everyone, to be all for Christ. in my case, to be all for Him through Mary, and the rest will come. level three... I like the number three.
|
|
| back in the saddle again |
[05 Aug 2006|04:11pm] |
JMJ
Wellp, I had a good week! Full of grace, wonderful and full of grace. I went to Jonesport, Maine. We rented some cabins right on the ocean. Man, was it nice! It rained a lot, but I had plenty to do inside. I spent most of it praying, writing, and playing frisbee. (yeah, I know, not a bad way to spend a week!) Lotta Rosaries. Studied writing, too.
'Twas a struggle in some respects. I've cut myself off from people so much, especially my family, that when I spend a lot more time in them, the behavioral flaws in myself become very apparent. These are little vices that I thought I killed, but they were still there, simply without any chances to show themselves. So it became a much more real fight. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life lately, actually facing things instead of running away. And the second part of that is embracing my own weakness so the power of the Holy Spirit can really take hold. A beautiful paradox! That when the real fight begins, I don't have to worry about whether or not I'll be ready, because God will provide the grace. So the task is to keep close and united to Him through His Holy Mother, and take things as they come.
It's so simple! And this vacation was a wonderful chance to still my complicated mind. Dig the infected wound deep enough, and you'll find the splinter. Look at the first line of the essay, you'll find the thesis. Stop thinking too hard, and you find the truth, which doesn't exist in our complicated minds, but in our soul, because God put it there. (although, thinking is a faculty of the soul that becomes an action of the mind, considering the whole body/soul relationship. but the complications are a tactic of Satan, who twists what is good, and makes complex what is elementary)
So anyways. I'm back. And I want to share with you all something I've learned. Every new day isn't a chance to work, or some burden, or some inevitable drudgery we need to face to get to Heaven. Every new day is a chance to grow closer to Christ. And if you go through your day with that goal in mind, everything else will fall into your lap. But then, if you go through the day with that goal, you won't need anything else...
|
|
|
[27 Jul 2006|09:56am] |
|
Every new day is not a chance to work, or some burden, or some inevitable drudgery we need to face to get to Heaven. Every new day is a chance to grow closer to Christ.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
heyyoimjohnny's journal